When you ask someone how they are, 95% of the time they will answer with some version of “busy”, “good, but busy” or even, sometimes, “crazy busy”.
Busy has become a badge of honour, a signifier of success – a humble brag that implies we are important and in demand. But if you really are “too busy”, chances are, you are not saying no enough.
Many of us struggle to say no, fearing rejection, anger or just the uncertainty of what the other person’s response will be. Our people-pleasing is often rooted in childhood. We might have been raised to be a good girl or boy, praised for being “mummy’s little helper”, or we might not have been given enough attention, and so sought it by pleasing others, even at the expense of ourselves
Many people struggle with saying, "No." If someone asks you for a favor or a commitment, you may feel obligated to say "Yes." Remember, just because you can do something does not mean it is required. Work on considering the best ways to say "No." Think about things like your personal boundaries and the situation at hand. When saying "No," do so in a polite manner that makes your boundaries clear. Work on avoiding guilt after saying "No." Understand you always have a right to turn down an invitation or refuse a favor. It's okay to make yourself and your mental health a priority.
Give yourself permission to say no - Many people have a knee-jerk reaction to say "Yes" when they're asked to do someone a favor. Keep in mind, you are never required to say "Yes." It's actually okay to say "No" sometimes. Accept this as you prepare to say "No" to someone. This will help you say "No" with ease. If you never say "No," this can have negative consequences. You can enable someone who relies too much on you for favors. You can also burn out on your own end and lose focus. If you say "No" too often, you may miss out on things that may be good for you. If you're overcommitted doing things you don't want to do, you won't have much time left for yourself. Make time for the things you really enjoy rather than saying "Yes" as a knee-jerk response. If you, say, agreed to help a friend move all weekend, you may have to turn down an invitation to go on a weekend hiking trip with another group of friends.
Establish your personal boundaries - It's always easier to say "No" if you have a reason. However, that reason does not have to be concrete. Many people think if they can do something, they should. Your reason for saying "No" can be a simple matter of your own personal boundaries. Think about what boundaries you have, and embrace the fact you're allowed to stay true to them. Consider what you are reasonably able to do, and what you actually enjoy doing. You can say "No" to things that drain you or distract you. You can set specific boundaries regarding what you will and will not agree to do. For example, maybe you value solitude. You can set a boundary that you won't go out two nights each weekend. You can use this boundary as a reason for saying "No." For instance, "I would love to go out with you Saturday, but I have plans Friday. I never go out two nights in a row because I get too tired." You can also set boundaries in regards to personal commitments. You can, for example, have a rule that you only volunteer for two charity events per month if this is reasonable for you given your schedule.
Be aware of potential persuasion techniques - People often won't take "No" for an answer. If you say "No" to someone, they may use persuasion techniques to try and change your mind. Be aware of potential persuasion techniques so you can establish a firm offense.[4] People may try to guilt you into doing something to reciprocate a favor. Remember, just because someone did you a favor does not mean you owe them. Friends do not keep score. People may also ask twice. If you say "No" to one thing, they may try to get you to agree to a smaller commitment or favor. Remember to be firm. Keep saying "No." A person may also try to get you to do something by comparing you to other people. They may say another person agreed to help. You are not another person. You do not have to do something simply because someone else did.
Practice saying "No." - It may sound silly, but you can actually practice saying "No" alone. Try standing before a mirror and looking at yourself. Practice giving a firm, "No" to someone so you get comfortable with the words. Many people are nervous about saying "No" and may say "Yes" due to anxiety. Practicing can help quell some of this anxiety.
Ask for more time before committing - Your knee-jerk response to being asked for a favor may be to say "Yes." Make a habit of not giving an automatic "Yes" all the time. When asked to do something, instead respond with, "I'll think about it" or "Can I get back to you on that? I'd like to, but I might have something scheduled." Saying "I'll think about it" will usually get the person off your back. This will give you time to genuinely consider your response. After agreeing to think something over, you can decide later whether or not you agree. If you decide against doing something, you can give a firm "No" later. For example, a friend asks if you'll watch her cat over the holiday weekend. Say, "I have to look over my schedule. Let me think about it."
Start with a compliment or gratitude - While you should be firm when saying "No," you'll also feel better if you're polite. When letting someone down, soften the blow by starting with a compliment. Express gratitude at having been asked or invited. For example, "I'm glad you feel comfortable asking me to watch Bella. It means a lot knowing that you trust me with your cat because I know how much you care about her."
Give a clear "No." - After the initial kindness, you can say "No." Be firm here. You want to make it clear you are giving a firm "No" so the person does not press the issue or ask you again. For example, "I just don't really have the time to run back and forth from your place this weekend. I already have a lot of plans with family." Thank and encourage the person - You want to leave things on a good note. You can be firm without being rude or aggressive.
Thank the person for thinking of you, and wish them good luck. For example, "Again, I'm glad to know you trust me with Bella. Good luck finding someone else to watch her."
Article by,
Riddhi Doshi Patel
Child Psychologist / Parenting Counselor
